Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.