Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”

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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.


WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers




WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers


shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo


Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.


Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.


Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.


whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro


Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?


Do you get extra points for killing two birds with another bird?


ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong