My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Beer:”You know what would be funny?”
Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”
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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Do you get extra points for killing two birds with another bird?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong