Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit