@just1fool

Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”

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@NicestHippo

TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man
MEDIA: You’re a monster
TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what’s ruining our country

@MarieColette

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

@pleatedjeans

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

@Heartblakekid15

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

@SamPsychMeds

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

@Darlainky

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

@DiamondLou69

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

@AnnietheNanny1

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

@Xoolun

I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.

And all I did was sign up.