Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I finally found a reason to live again.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’