You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.
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Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.
My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
The first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number I didn’t know what to do so I ate it.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today
me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.