@Elizasoul80

Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.

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@drinksmcgee

Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.

@TheWeirdWorld

My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

@Macar00ny

The first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number I didn’t know what to do so I ate it.

@totalwackjob

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

@RobbyActually

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life đŸ™‚

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@liv_thatsme

trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you

@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.