Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god