Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
You Might Also Like
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
? 💀
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
#Caturday
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.