Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pen is writier than the sword.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

My blood type is coffee.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.