Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
2022 will be better than 2021
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now