Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
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New nose
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.