*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*