@tastefactory

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

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@jordan_stratton

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

@The_JRM

Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU

Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

@molly7anne

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

@mattZillaaaa

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

@T_N_Crumpets

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@stephenjmolloy

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

@BGH70

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

@onelongbender

Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.

@RunOldMan

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.