@tastefactory

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

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@JulieSnark

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

@briancthayer

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

@Lmao

5 kinds of fear:

– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”

@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

@BobGolen

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

@jimmytorosian

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

@EndhooS

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

@salamingia

$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.