@kidnapped_jesus

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

You Might Also Like

@JediGigi

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

@FuckabillyRex

Tonight I sleep on a bed of fried chicken and biscuits. The colonel drizzles me with gravy. Is this heaven or hell?

It’s both.

@sofarrsogud

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

@Dallani

Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?

@PondHockeyPro

Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?

@Dawn_M_

Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.

@TheAlexNevil

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a dirty cop]

Partner: did you plant the drugs?

Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.

@LizHackett

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

@pradogod

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.