Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

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“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”



Tonight I sleep on a bed of fried chicken and biscuits. The colonel drizzles me with gravy. Is this heaven or hell?

It’s both.


GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.


Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?


Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?


Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.


Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.


[first day as a dirty cop]

Partner: did you plant the drugs?

Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.


Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.


Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.