Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

life finds a way

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.