Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**