Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?