Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

When he asks for feet pics

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will