@_elvishpresley_

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

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@truegritrumble

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

@JessObsess

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

@SteveSuckington

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

@nyquills

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

@Kids_kubed

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

@mayygg

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

@iwearaonesie

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

@NicestHippo

BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go

@gilbertjasono

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now