BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
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[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.