Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Finally, an explanation.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”