Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

the three branches of government

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid