BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
The opposite of Iceland is water water
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Getting married soon just need a spouse
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth