Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

Not😆🤣

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

my dog when i have a friend over

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required