Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.