Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

How it started How it’s going

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes