Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

I think this might be relevant today.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

it’s finally my moment to shine

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!