Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
You Might Also Like
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me