[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
TRAIN’S HERE
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Nice try, poison.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.