Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me