Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

how much for the angry fruit?

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

God making man in his image was the original selfie

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.