Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
😂😂
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.