Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
You Might Also Like
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you