Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

This one’s “Alex”.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.