Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

This is the coolest video you will see today.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok