Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance