Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
ACED my prostate exam!
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
