Before & after 😅
You Might Also Like
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means