Before & after 😅
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“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”