Before & after 😅
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was