Before & after 😅
You Might Also Like
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.