Before & after 😅
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money