Before & after 😅
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You have been warned.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?