Before & after 馃槄
You Might Also Like
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That鈥檚 what I call French people who are my enemies.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Exorcist came by. Says house isn鈥檛 possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Just a bush.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl鈥檚 lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I鈥檓 happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn鈥檛. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me trying to reach for my goals
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That鈥檚 a real thing.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.