Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Can confirm.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Home is where your toilet is.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
your daddy is a what now?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*