[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.