[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints