[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Just me and my debit card against the world
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Time for evil
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute