Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
They also CAN sing✌️
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate