Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on