Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

What if the weather talks about us?

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK