Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

If you love someone, let them tweet.

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.