before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate
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Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
what it’s like dating me:
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.