Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
if you relate to me, get some help
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”