Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
You Might Also Like
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
What’s the point buying it then?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I have obtained a hat
