Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I am never leaving this website
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.