Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Xylophonist Shredding It

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.