[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
just left a huge legacy in there
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I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.