Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been drinking.

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

I unironically love this joke.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

The internet is full of many things

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!