Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
You Might Also Like
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.