Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.