before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
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I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*