before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
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[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
