Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

when someone rings the doorbell

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door