before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?