before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?