Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
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I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson鈥檚 Column, you鈥檇 cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she鈥檇 maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 馃檮
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The Eggorcist
My beach vacation Google searches
I鈥檓 as full as a tick on a tampon
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
You鈥檙e telling me this life crisis is mid