Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You Might Also Like
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
In space, no one can hear…
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Where is your GOD now????
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know