Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
You Might Also Like
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
sugar glider wrangler
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.