Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that