Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Remember folks 😂
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship