Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Natural selection at its finest
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant