Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

I have never related to anyone more.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.