Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
