before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name